Storms Don’t Have to Be a Crisis

In classic sociology, small groups follow a consistent pattern of forming-storming-norming-performing and finally, adjourning [1] and most, if not all, magickal groups fall into this pattern as well. For the group leader, trying to navigate your group through the storms can feel like standing in the middle of a field in a lightning storm—shocking, dangerous, and traumatic.

For a new group leader dealing with a storm can seem like the end of the world, with its unfamiliar tension and noise, discomfort, and anxiety. Even seasoned leaders can be strongly rocked by a sudden storm The difference in how well everyone involved will come through it may well depend on how well the leader can keep perspective: storms happen. They happen everywhere, all the time, and not only does almost everyone survive them, but they do a lot of good in ecosystems.

In every magical group, it has to happen: Everyone stops being on the best behavior they brought to the new group, to the newly-formed group. Suddenly conflict is breaking out all over. It’s an organic part of realizing that members don’t all share the same viewpoint, which was likely subsumed in the halcyon days of getting to know one another. Differences become more obvious and unsettling. Things you might wave away in a friendship or business acquaintance (‘oh, that’s just how she is’) can seem more important than anything else in a magickal group, where ‘love and trust’ are vital components. Members may feel hurt or even betrayed when others seem to change into different people, not realizing that they are just getting to know them better — this is especially true in members who have self-esteem issues or difficult family lives. (Which seems to be just about everyone.)

It is no wonder that many new groups don’t make it past the ‘storming’ phase.

The real secret here is that a leader’s task is to allow this stage to unfold, which may feel very difficult when it seems as if your authority is being challenged. This doesn’t mean stepping back and not being present, far from it. Stormy weather in a magickal group requires leadership.

You may feel the need to create more and more rules in order to impose some kind of structure on something that is, essentially, uncontrollable. Resist this feeling. The path of wisdom allows for many viewpoints, and you want that diversity within your group. Instead, remind everyone of your ground rules for tolerance and respect, and maintain them. There is no reason a fiery dialogue can’t also be civil, but it requires a basic sense of value for one another. This stage is also one in which it’s good to remember that cultural and ethnic differences may interfere with understanding and make dialogues difficult.

A good leader minimizes this, or at least sets a good example, by:

• Being aware of their own culture and doing the work to get rid of their inherent ethnocentrism (the tendency to judge all other groups according to your own group’s standards, behaviors and customs).
• Recognizing differences as distinct without good/bad judgments attached.
• Showing respect for everyone.
• Being flexible and ready to adapt and adjust her their behavior, without seeming insincere.
• Being tolerant by remembering that norms differ from one person to another.

This is not a ‘top-down’ scenario, although members will take their cues from the leader. Members need to start working on their own processes of bending and molding their feelings, ideas, attitudes, and beliefs to suit the group’s overall dynamic. They must move from a “testing and proving” mentality to one focused on problem solving and a general sense of ‘working toward” a goal. Members assist the process by:

• Being aware of their ethnic and cultural background and be willing to share its positive — and negative — aspects.
• Moving beyond good/bad judgments of other members.
• Showing respect for everyone.
• Being flexible and ready to adapt their behavior with honesty.
• Paying attention to their own biases and tolerant of others’.

Respect and civility is best modeled on an on-going basis, but you might consider doing a regular workshop or making it a part of your group intake process. Some ‘rules’ to follow might include:

• Do unto others as you would have done unto you.
• Do not let your silence condone disrespectful behavior.
• Accept that disagreement can exist without giving up your own convictions; what you may feel strongly others may disagree with just as strongly.
• Tone of voice matters, ; are you conveying what you want?
• Rely on facts, not assumptions.

Group Activity: What is Respect?
Watch a half-hour TV show or piece of a movie. Who was respectful/sexist/racist? Who wasn’t? How do we know that (body language, interrupting, etc.)? Does respect mean different things to different people?

Group Activity: Where do I come from?
Have each member discuss at least five places they’ve lived and what they learned there. Have someone write down the commonalities and differences—are — are there more of one or the other?
Discuss ethnic or racial varieties within the group. Are there any? Are we making assumptions (for example, Juan has dark skin, are we assuming he is from Mexico or Central America?) How does age play a role in how we relate to one another?

These activities might be at periodic intervals (say, with the arrival of new members) or just when it seems it’s been awhile since the last time. The important thing for leaders to remember is that to move out of the storm, members need to be able to listen to one another, without judgment or interference.

Active Listening Isn’t Just An Exercise

Active listening is a well-known technique, but often poorly understood and used in situations outside of the therapeutic one. It is also incredibly difficult to use when a magickal group is being shocked by conflict and high drama. Just imagine that Edgar called Iris an Earth Mother type in a fairly insulting tone and said he prefers the more ethereal Dana (100 lbs slimmer and 20 years younger) as a working partner. How is active listening going to make anyone feel better in this scenario? It’s hard to be empathetic and objective when you are being talked about, and sharing on an intimate level—being — being able to be profoundly honest with one another—is — is absolutely necessary in a magickal group.

But listening is important, because fundamentally we are building deep friendships. Knowing one another’s hopes, dreams, quirks, likes, and dislikes are what will knit us all into a strongly connected group. Strong groups, the ones that transcend the inevitable fires of crisis and upheaval, have a strong sense of meaning: they support one another’s spiritual aspirations.

In the above case there are things that can be learned on all sides: Edgar probably didn’t mean to sound chauvinistic, but as a 45-yr-old single man brought up in England, he tends to ‘glom on’ to younger women as magickal partners. He had no idea that Dana only works with women because of a history of sexual and emotional violence with men in her life; this is her first time being in a magickal group with a man. Iris, with her 20+ years of magical practice, won’t stand for being dismissed on the basis of her skills, but is so used to the body image that she accepts it–and — and his judgment—without — without question. Lots for everyone to learn about one another, lots to heal all around. Some things won’t completely heal, some will take years (if not decades), and some just a clarifying conversation. But until they are all listening to one another and not drawing unfounded conclusions, they will stay on the surface.

Here are some ways to improve listening skills:

1. Give the speaker your undivided attention. Look at them, make eye contact, and don’t interrupt.
2. Make sure your body language is open and welcoming. Nod your head to show you understand what they are saying.
3. Once they finish speaking, wait a few seconds before saying anything. This gives you time to prepare your response and for them to feel like they were given space to say all they needed.
4. Do not plan out your response while they are talking. This is the hardest habit to break, and the one that is the most distracting. If you’re planning a response, you’re not listening. The observant speaker will be able to tell the difference in a listener who is tuned out and one who is focused on them. This is especially important when you’re in the midst of a conflict and feeling a bit defensive.
5. Make sure you understood them by paraphrasing. I often will say, “what I hear you saying is . . .”. Yes, it’s obvious, it is also useful. At the same time, ask clarifying, open-ended questions.
6. Try to speak from your own place, and not for others. It’s more useful to deal with the problem of how Janae always jumps in on the end of your sentences by telling her, ” I really don’t like how you do that,” rather than starting out by accusing her of disrespect. You might tell her it feels disrespectful as part of the discussion, but by keeping it to how you feel you can speak to what you know to be true.

[1] “Developmental sequence in small groups.” Tuckman, Bruce W. Psychological Bulletin, Vol. 63(6), Jun 1965, 384-399.

continued in the next blog post, Storms Are Just Weather.